The Z Gang Gets Psychoanalyzed
by DeadeyeDave
Summary: This time: the beloved princess fair, flaming hellbeast and all-around BYOTCH. See if we can calm her raging bipolar disorder.
1. The Skull Kid

The Z-Gang Gets Psychoanalyzed  
  
By DeadeyeDave  
  
***  
  
DED: Greetings. Today we will be looking into the hearts and minds of some of our most beloved video-game characters. We'll start by taking a look at the deeply disturbed psyche of the Skull Kid.  
  
SK: WWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!  
  
DED: See? Deeply disturbed.  
  
SK: I'M INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!  
  
DED: Yes, yes. Now Skull Kid, tell me about your childhood.  
  
SK: WAIT! I'M NOT LYING ON THE COUCH! WHERE'S THE COUCH!  
  
DED: Sigh...(snaps fingers, creates couch)  
  
SK: WHOOOOOOOOOO! (jumps up and down on the couch) IT'S LIKE I'M ON THE MOON! I CONTROLLED THE MOON ONCE, YOU KNOW!  
  
DED: Yes, I know. Tell me about your childhood.  
  
SK: I DIDN'T HAVE A CHILDHOOD. I'VE LIVED IN THE LOST WOODS FOR THE LAST 2300 YEARS.  
  
DED: I see. Tell me about your mother.  
  
SK: I DIDN'T HAVE A MOTHER.  
  
DED: Hmm. (writes something and mutters out loud) just...plain...nuts...Oh, go on.  
  
SK: UMM...I...LACKED A MOTHER. OR FATHER. THERE WERE NONE.  
  
DED: Really.  
  
SK: ZIP. ZILCHO. NAUGHT. NADA. RIEN. NONE WHATSOEVER.  
  
DED: So did you spring from the thigh of Zeus or what?  
  
SK: NO CLUE.  
  
DED: So tell me then about your life in the Lost Woods.  
  
SK: OKAY. I SPENT THE FIRST 300 YEARS SITTING AROUND WONDERING WHAT I SHOULD DO.  
  
DED: Hmm. What did you decide.  
  
SK: YES IT WAS BORING! THANK YOU FOR ASKING!!!  
  
DED: Oh. Sorry. Ahem. Was it boring?  
  
SK: WHY YES, YES IT WAS.  
  
DED: Aaah. So, what next?  
  
SK: WELL, FOR THE NEXT 650 YEARS OR SO, I STOOD ON MY HEAD.  
  
DED: And...this was good or bad?  
  
SK: PRETTY GOOD. I MEAN, I GOT TO SEE THE SAME TREES IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT, AND ALL.  
  
DED: And what of the rest of your life?  
  
SK: FOR THE REMAINING 1250 YEARS UP TILL NOW, I'VE...UM...THIS IS TOTALLY CONFIDENTIAL, RIGHT?  
  
DED: No. Not in the least.  
  
SK: OH WELL. I...STARTED HITTING THE PIXIE STIX PRETTY HARD.  
  
DED: Oh my. Tell me about that.  
  
SK: THIS KOKIRI CAME UP AND OPENED HIS CLOAK. HE HAD LIKE A THOUSAND PIXIE STIX IN THERE. HE SAID THE FIRST WAS FREE...BUT BEFORE I KNEW IT I WAS HOOKED...  
  
DED: Tragic. Go on.  
  
SK: I LOST MY JOB AS HEAD-STANDING WEIRDO. I SPENT MOST OF MY TIME JUST SITTING AROUND, WATCHING STAR TREK RERUNS...  
  
DED: Yes, behavior typical of Pixie stoners such as yourself.  
  
SK: MY GOD...THEY SAY PIXIE STIX IS A GATEWAY DRUG...SOON I WAS DOING SWEETARTS, M&MS, SKITTLES...THE WHOLE LOT...SOMETIMES WHEN I COULDN'T AFFORD A HIT, I WOULD GNAW DESPERATELY ON RAW SUGARCANE...CUPCAKES...MILKSHAKES...OH GOD! IT WAS HORRIBLE! I WOULD SNORT TWENTY PIXIE STIX A DAY...AND LIKE FIFTY LAFFY TAFFYS...  
  
DED: You poor, pathetic creature...  
  
SK: THEY SAID ALL THE COOL SKELETONS WERE DOING IT!!! *starts sobbing uncontrollably*  
  
DED: There there. We can help you.  
  
SK: *sniffle* REALLY?  
  
DED: Yes. First you must admit you have a problem.  
  
SK: OKAY...MY NAME IS SKULL KID...AND I'M...A SUGARHOLIC.  
  
DED: Very good.  
  
SK: I JUST CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MY PRECIOUS SUGARHOL!  
  
DED: Okay. Well, tell me some about your friends. How did you get along with others?  
  
SK: WHAT? WHAT'S A FRIEND?  
  
DED: I see.  
  
SK: NO! REALLY! WHAT ARE THEY? I'M SO LONELY...  
  
DED: Ooooookay...ahem. Diagnosis: Insufferible hyperactivity brought on by constant headstands and sugar addiction. Perscription: Ritalin. Lots and lots of Ritalin.  
  
SK: NOOOO! I'M NOT CRAZY! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME TAKE ANYTHING! MOON! ATTACK THEM! FALL FROM THE SKY! I HAVE POWERS! AWESOME POWERS! ATTACK! KILL! FEAR MEEEEEEEE! SUFFER MY WRATH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! STOP THA...  
  
DED: (shoving pills into SK's open mouth) All better!  
  
SK: (stops suddenly and stands stiff as a board)  
  
DED: Take him away! (two stagehands pick up SK and carry him off) Well, my work here is done. 


	2. Link

The Z-Gang Gets Psychoanalyzed  
  
By DeadeyeDave  
  
***  
  
DED: Today we will enter the tangled web of consciousness that is Our Hero, Link.  
  
Link: Howdy. How's every little thing?  
  
DED: I'm asking the questions here, bucko. Get on the couch.  
  
Link: Is it a green couch?  
  
DED: No...  
  
Link: MAKE IT GREEN!  
  
DED: Why?  
  
Link: (ranting) IT MUST BE GREEN! MAAAAAAAAAKE ITTTTTTTTT GREEEEEEEEN!  
  
DED: Okay! Okay! It's green now!  
  
Link: YYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! (jumps on the couch)  
  
DED: So Link, why have you come to me today?  
  
Link: You made me. I feel fine.  
  
DED: Hmm. Totally lacks self-esteem, easily influenced by others.  
  
Link: You threatened me! You offered me rewards!  
  
DED: In denial.  
  
Link: Whatever.  
  
DED: Link, tell me about your parents.  
  
Link: Both died when I was a baby.  
  
DED: And how did that affect you?  
  
Link: How should I know? I was a baby!  
  
DED: I see. Okay, you were raised by a talking tree. Tell me about that.  
  
Link: It was great! The tree would give me candy and my own house!  
  
DED: And you don't find it the least bit odd to be fathered by a talking tree?  
  
Link: Nope.  
  
DED: Even the concept of a talking tree? Totally normal?  
  
Link: Sure.  
  
DED: Right. So, how did you come to be obsessed with the color green?  
  
Link: I don't know. Let me think back...  
  
DED: Any particularly special experiences related to the color green?  
  
Link: Let me see. Being raised by a green tree, in a green forest, amid the green grass and the green waters...  
  
DED: The water was green?  
  
Link: Yeah! And so was the clouds, and the sky, and Saria's hair, and her clothes, and pretty much everything about the Kokiri in general was green.  
  
DED: Ooooookay, I think that just might be significant...  
  
Link: No! Wait! I got it! I first became obsessed with the color green because of...Zelda's eyebrows!  
  
DED: Umm...  
  
Link: It's all coming back to me! The courtyard, the Princess...the eyebrows! They were green!  
  
DED: Well, maybe, but I think that...  
  
Link: That's why I'm obsessed! Thank you doctor! I'm cured!  
  
DED: But I don't think that...  
  
Link: (climbing out of window) I guess I can go now! Thaaaaaaaaaaaaank yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooou...!  
  
DED: Hmm. Another tragedy that could have been avoided with proper medication.  
  
SK: THAT'S ALL YOU EVER PERSCRIBE! DRUGS! THAT'S YOUR SOLUTION TO EVERYTHING!  
  
DED: Looks like some one needs a higher dosage! (shoves more pills into Skull Kid's mouth)  
  
SK: MMMMPH! STOP! I...(stiffens)  
  
DED: (pushing over Skull Kid) Well, time to go home for the day.  
  
Link: (from below) I'm not dead...just very badly injured...please help...someone? Hello? 


	3. Zelda

The Z-Gang Gets Psychoanalyzed  
  
By DeadeyeDave  
  
***  
  
DED: Zelda: Man, Woman, or Hellbeast? That is the subject of today's investigation.  
  
Zelda: WWWWWWWWWHHHHHAAAAAAAAT? YOU DARE INSULT...THE PRINCESS? I CHOPPA YOU GOOD! (hefts giant meat cleaver)  
  
DED: I guess that answers MY question. Well, THIS is the shortest chapter ever.  
  
Zelda: DAMN STRAIGHT IT IS! CUZ YOU'RE GONNA DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! FOOLISH MORTAL! (buries meat cleaver in floor, tugs to try and get it out)  
  
DED: QUICK! I summon the power of BURLY STAGEHANDS!  
  
(burly stagehands appear, straight-jacket Zelda)  
  
Zelda: HEY! YOU CAN'T STRAIGHT-JACKET ME JUST BY SAYING SO IN PARENTHESIS!  
  
DED: Yes I can, hellbeast!  
  
Zelda: WHAT? NO! I'M NICE! I'M BENEVOLENT!  
  
DED: Benevolent? With a meat cleaver?  
  
Zelda: YES! BELIEVE ME OR I'LL KILLLLLLLL YOOOOOOU!  
  
DED: Huh.  
  
Zelda: Now, RELEASE ME OR YOUR EVERY WAKING MOMENT WILL BE A SWIRLING TORRENT OF PAIN AND MISERY!  
  
DED: (sing-songy) Oh burly STAAAAAAAGE-hands!  
  
(burly stagehands sedate Zelda with hypos)  
  
Zelda: NO! CURSE YOU! CURSE YOUR PARENTHETICAL SUBDUAL! I'LL RUN A GARDEN HOSE FROM YOUR ARSE TO YOUR EYE...sockets...you...blithering...  
  
DED: That's better.  
  
Zelda: (drugged up) Whachu want wit me man?  
  
DED: I'm trying to HELP you.  
  
Zelda: But I dun need help, man!  
  
DED: Yes you DO!  
  
Zelda: (Bill Paxton from "Aliens" voice) I DO? OH MAN, MAAAN...GAME OVER MAN! GAME OVER!  
  
DED: Let me put it in terms you or Dennis Hopper could understand. You're OUTTA YOUR FREAKIN' MIND, MAAAAAAAN!  
  
Zelda: WHOA!  
  
DED: SNAP OUT OF IT! (slaps Zelda)  
  
Zelda: Ow! What's going on? Where am I?  
  
DED: Have we found a happy medium between psychobitch and druggie?  
  
Zelda: As far as I know, yes.  
  
DED: So how long have you had these violent mood swings?  
  
Zelda: What violent mood swings?  
  
DED: And memory loss, apparently.  
  
Zelda: Memory loss? What memory loss?  
  
DED: ...  
  
Zelda: WHAT'S GOING ON? I'VE BECOME UNMOORED FROM REALITY FOREVER!  
  
DED: NO YOU HAVEN'T!  
  
Zelda: Oh yeah, that's right.  
  
DED: So you seem at times violently PMS-y, fluffy, and indifferent. From a strictly medical standpoint...what...the crap.  
  
Zelda: Oh, don't mind me, I'm so bipolar at times.  
  
DED: I...see.  
  
Zelda: Sometimes I want to kill things. Other times I don't. Have some hot cocoa! (Pours DED a glass of hot cocoa with her teeth)  
  
DED: Err, thanks.  
  
Zelda: So I'm sitting in my castle, right?  
  
DED: Right...  
  
Zelda: And this guy IM's me and he's all like, "W00T! ZLDA! UR HOT!" And I'm like "D00D WTF?"  
  
DED: Okaaaaaaay...  
  
Zelda: So he's like, "LETZ CYBER CUZ UR H0TT LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL!" And I'm like, "NO WAY UR LIKE CR33PY!" And he's like "BUT U BEZ TOTALLY 1337! NEVER PH34R CUZ I'M THE H3R0 OF T1M3 AND I H4V3 A 28 INCH W4NG LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL"  
  
DED: Ummm...does this story have a point?  
  
Zelda: And I'm like "WTF LINK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? U R A PERV U GO AWAY!" And then I warned him like 20 times and blocked him cuz HE'S CREEPY!  
  
DED: And is THIS why you're violently bi-polar?  
  
Zelda: Maybe.  
  
DED: Umm...  
  
Zelda: AND THEN THIS OTHER TIME! I was at school, right? And this BITCH Malon comes up and is like, "Hey ZELDA! Do you want some of my eyeliner?" And I'm like "NO you SKANK-ASS BITCH I don't want your eyeliner!"  
  
DED: What are you TALKING about? What's wrong with Malon's eyeliner?  
  
Zelda: YOU'RE MISSING THE WHOLE POINT! I HATE YOU! YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME! I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME! (hops in straightjacket over to window, leaps out)  
  
DED: Why is it that all my patients jump out that window?  
  
Skull Kid: I DIDN'T! YOU DRUGGED ME UP GOOD!  
  
Link: (from below out the window) What the...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH *WHUMPH*  
  
Zelda: Hey! It's you! The creepy IM guy! And you broke my fall!  
  
Link: Hey... anything I can do for ya while I'm down here?  
  
Zelda: WHAT DID YOU SAY?  
  
Link: With my 28 INCH W4ANG LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL!  
  
Zelda: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (sound of meat cleaver being unsheathed)  
  
Link: Err... 


End file.
